Monday, August 24, 2009

Create Your own Soul Mate…

My dream man. I have been creating, re-creating, and fantasizing about him since before I could remember. Sometimes he has had a face. On a rare occasion that face belongs to someone I knew. And once in a dark blue moon, that someone I know turns out to be someone I am in a relationship with. Unfortunately, every time this has been the case, the dream has turned into a nightmare.

We, as women, spend a lot of time obsessing over men and relationships. Wondering why we end up dating the same man, having the same fights, crying the same heartbroken tears when it ends. It doesn’t matter how many faces he has, he has but one name. Mr. Wrong.

Over and over again, we compromise our wants, our needs, ourselves, in an attempt to just get into the relationship that we wind up portraying a false image. We believe that giving the impression of ‘baggage’, or imperfection will scare off anyone worth keeping, and so from childhood we begin to put on a front. We don’t want to let anyone in, to see the true us because, god forbid, what if they don’t like us?

Well come on, who gives a shit if they don’t? If they don’t like who we truly are at the beginning, they are not going to like us any more a year from then when the real woman starts to emerge from her hiding place.

So let’s stop kidding ourselves. We aren’t talking about a job interview for a bartending position here, where you can charm your way in and hope you learn the rest as you go. You have to know who you are, and know what you are looking for. Know what kind of qualities in a man are a must, know which ones you cannot live with, and be brutally honest right from the get go. What you are willing to put into a relationship, and what you are expecting in return.

Me, for example. I am terrible with money, I hate cleaning, I am a workaholic, and I have a bit of a sordid past. Those are my negatives. On the plus side, I am intelligent, attractive, and funny. I earn a good living, I am very passionate, and I genuinely love to cook. I know what my short term and long term goals are. I know where I see myself in a year, 5 years, 10.

I will not settle. I will not tell myself that I would rather be in an unsuccessful relationship than be alone. I will not allow myself to be abused; physically, emotionally or financially, ever again in my life. I am French, therefore I am…. ‘spicy’. Sometimes I love a good shouting match. I like to debate and be challenged, however there is a difference between being challenged and being made to feel inadequate or stupid. That is unacceptable.

I want an ‘opposite’. I want a man who is good at the things that I am not, so that we can compliment each other. Someone who is impeccably organized and who is very good with money. Someone who enjoys cleaning and isn’t a workaholic. I also want someone who can accept that my past is my past. It has made me who I am today, and although some of it is painful for me, I don’t want to be made to feel ashamed of it.

I want someone who thinks that I am beautiful, whether I look good or not. Someone who wants to hold my hand when we walk down the street or just when we’re sitting on the couch. I want a man who treats his family with respect, and mine as well, and who will always back me up in public, even if I am wrong. I want a gentleman with a bad boy image. He should be confident and assertive, considerate, trustworthy, compassionate and romantic. He should intelligent and real and genuinely good. He should make my knees weak when he kisses me. Being with him should make me want to be a better person.

I remember seeing this movie once, Practical Magic, and the character played by Sandra Bullock is remembering back to her childhood. In order to not fall in love, she imagines up a soul mate who can’t possibly exist. She instills characteristics in him that she believes cannot possibly exist in a real person. As I read over the words I have written above, I wonder if I am unconsciously doing the same thing. Dreaming up a man who would never exist, in order to save myself from the pain of another man who somewhere deep down I believe would only hurt me.

So on second thought, I think I’ll stay alone – at least then I know exactly what I’m getting!!
Until we meet again....